I’m Not Doing This Again

I hate this, I simply hate it.  My mind is everywhere, and has been all over the place since Tuesday.  I’ve tried several times before to threw away all of the stuff I use to cut myself with but like all the times before it didn’t work.

I really want to end this chapter but it still doesn’t seem possible.

“You don’t feel like you’re hurting yourself when you’re cutting. You feel like this is the only way to take care of yourself.”

I just simply can’t do this again. I’ve been there so many times before.  I could no longer see why I should go on living, because my feelings seemed so unbearable. I’ve hated myself and I’ve belived that I was usesless and not wanted. I was so ashamed and felt so guilty.

I’ve had many painful experiences in my life. I’ve blamed myself things that weren’t my fault. I was overwhelmed by conflicts with family or friends and problems in school. I’ve felt stuck in emotional pain and believed that there are no solutions to my problems. I “was” left feeling powerless beliving that I couldn’t change my situation. This is the thing that is distressing me, the idea of suicide and selfharm gave me a sense of being in control(again).

Sometimes I wouldn’t even know why I felt suicidal. Because of this I would feel deeply guilty and ashamed, and start feeling even worse. I started seeing death as my only option.

IT’S SO DIFFICULT TO TELL SOMEONE WHAT YOUR GOING THOUGH. I stared being paranoid about what people “saw” or “thought they saw”.

“You don’t deserve the anger you’re turning on yourself. Your abuser’s the one who does.”

Over the years, I’ve still attempted and still have those thoughts. I’ve learned some of my own warning signs. I would begin sleeping badly and waking early. My appetite would change. Then my weight changes. I go physically numb and cut off from my body. Then my energy would go. I’d stop taking care of myself.

As much as I wanted to die, I also wanted a solution to my difficulties. I want others to understand how i feel and hope that they can help. Yet, I do not feel able to talk to anyone who offers to help. Having such mixed feelings and being unsure about what to do can cause great anxiety. I begin harming myself by cutting, biting or burning my body. I start getting into fights or taking extreme risks. I would try overdosing on drugs, binging on alcohol or have developed a mixture of bulimic and anorexic tendensies. When I’m not sure why I’m self-harming, it is usually a way of trying to kill the pain I am are feeling inside rather than a wish to actually kill myself. This is a part of my story. A story that continues


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