Days Fade Away

I was in the eighth grade when I had my first huge overdose. I had a few before this one.

I’d go through my parents medicine cabinet, and just find random bottles, start to gather and compulsively buy. I wanted to die, but I only got more ill.  I’d take a handful and swallow them. Nothing really happened, but I’d feel nauseous and tired. But l’d wake up fine, wishing I hadn’t.

My depression started in the seventh grade followed by suvire suicidal thought. I this point a wnet to a private school in the city and therefor had to take the bus everyday. I had been bullied for being different (SPD) and being  a bit overweight.  I stated to built my wall. I had made my facede. My perfect face for the next 3 ½ years.

Under the façade I was fighting and crying. Life had lost its fun and had become a daily battle. I was sooo sad. I stopped eating, started eating, started binging, started purging. Said with other word my eating habbits went out the window. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, all I did was sit in my room and cry, and then there came the self harm.

My first serious self harm was made in 11th grade. It was a bad biology class and a ended up giving in to the urge. The only sharp thing a could find was a scalpel, and with his a made my first 20+ scars on my arm. It did feel good. It was like adrenaline had rushed through me and I didn’t want to stop.  I immediately regretted when I say my damage.

I wore long sleeves, covered up and that was that. I’d still do small overdoses from time to time, and I lost a lot of really good people in my life.

It got to a point where I had to tell my teachers, if not for them then for my safety.

I’ve never told my parent before my suicide attempt. They were pissed.

Teachers have noticed my strange habits, but im able to tell them im allright(tears rolling down my cheeks).  im not very convincing.

But its MY LIFE.

I set plans, goals and things how can I recover. How I  can help myself. I set my mind about recovering. I focus myself in positive perspective of life, I lessen all the negative thoughts that I’m thinking about the things I will do. I read a lot of article and books that give advice, helps and tips how to recover from mental illness (And I will share it to all of you, all the things I’ve learned and know how to recover and defeat mental disorder) And now I can say that I’m getting better. Yeah sometimes I’m having up’s and downs, sometimes I feel so low, depressed and anxious, sometimes I can’t stop overthinking and I want to rip my skins with blades but I don’t want my depression and anxiety become my identity. We all know that we don’t choose this life but I want you to know that recovering from it is a choice and we really need to recover. We don’t have to do a lifetime decision about this temporary problems because I believe after the years pass Darling, We’ll be okay

If you’re suffering with depression, selfharm , suicidal thoughts/tendencies feel free to contact me. I can help in tremendous ways, because I’ve been there before!

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